March, 2007

10 Steps to Compassionate Honesty

Want an alternative to dumping your truth on others or giving up your own needs?

Here's a step-by-step process that can lead you to the type of honesty that honors both yourself and the other.

1. First, find out where you stand by asking yourself, "What would I say to him if I had no concern or sensitivity for him? Another way to access this step is to say, "If I had more guts, I'd tell her ______________."

2. Next, you can look at your answer, and see if you might get the result you'd like. If so, your process is done, and you can go tell the person.

3. If you don't expect a positive outcome from delivering that message as-is, the next step would be to connect with your own feelings and needs around the issue.

4. Once at the core needs for yourself, you can guess what is going on for the other person, in terms of their thoughts, feelings and needs. Remind yourself that it is possible to honor everyone's needs.

Going into the conversation...

5. Give appreciation of the the other person, or the relationship, if it is heartfelt. If not, skip this step.

6. Acknowledge that you want to honor both people. That can sound like, "I want to tell you something that I'm guessing you don't want to hear. At he same time, I'm not at home with myself or present in relationship unless I am really truthful."

7. Tell the person the "message of opportunity." I call it an opportunity because your honesty can be an opening to a new level of connection and authenticity.

8. The next step is to LISTEN. Check in with the other person with a question like, "So how does it feel to hear this?"

9. Stay present, listening for the feelings and needs behind what he is saying.

10. When both people have had a chance to be heard, make a specific, do-able request. Another option at this point would be to ask the other person if she has a solution in mind. Once connected at the needs level, the negotiation of action usually goes quite smoothly.

So there you have it--a new option for you to play with, think about, try, revise and make your own.

May the ray of honesty shine brightly in your life this month and always!