July, 2007

I just celebrated my 10th anniversary of being a mom. Though incredibly confusing and stressful at the time, I now appreciate all the struggles I encountered as a new mom. Had it not been for my anxiety about how to live with my integrity as a parent, I might never have found Nonviolent Communication, the process which, hands down, has had the deepest positive impact on my ability to live in harmony and joy.

Ever hungry for parenting resources, I came across Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life when my son was 18 months old. I knew that I wanted an alternative to the blame, shame and punish parenting that I was aware of in our society. By the third chapter of the book, I knew that NVC would be the next new direction in my life. The feelings part of NVC were no big deal to me- after all, I'd spent years in therapy talking about my feelings. But the idea that feelings came from needs, and that these needs were universal, totally blew my strategy for assigning blame for feelings on PEOPLE (myself and others) out of the water. Right then and there, I put down a burden I'd been carrying my whole life.

Luckily, my husband Richard soon got on board and we practiced, practiced, practiced Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests. Let me tell you, it was a huge improvement! However, I still remember a time about six years when expressing my NVC honesty to Richard created quite a strain in our relationship. I was so eager to deliver the message to him because I had just returned from a workshop with Marshall Rosenberg and had Marshall's personal stamp of approval on my words. Here's what I said to my husband:

When you come to bed without taking a shower, I feel disgusted because I have a need for a beautiful smell. Would you be willing to take a shower?

To which he responded:

"Disgusted is a little harsh, isn't it?" as he turned away.

I was heartbroken. My perfect NVC expression resulted in hurt and conflict instead of trust and connection.

I noticed this dynamic a lot over the years. It was if the feeling of the unmet need created some sort of roadblock that the other person could no longer take in my words. And as I refined my awareness of my feelings and needs, I noticed, too, that I often felt hurt when the other person expressed feeling disgusted, angry, sad or frustrated EVEN WHEN they took responsibility for that feeling with their needs. One day a light bulb turned on in my head-perhaps the problem was in the system of expression itself. Tidbits of trainings and books I'd read over the years suddenly rushed through my head-everything from NLP to Core Transformation to shamanism and New Age thought-and soon after, when I saw The Secret, it all gelled. The more we hang on to the feelings of the unmet needs, the more we attract unmet needs and the feelings associated with them.

I then recalled some NVC training that I had done with Susan Skye and Robert Gonzales in 2003 (fabulous trainers, by the way) in which I heard Robert say to never come from the desperation of the unmet need when you are expressing yourself to others. I loved that concept, but I couldn't figure out how to do it. Finally I had a way. It involves getting myself into a state of possibility, rather than desperation (that will be a topic for another month). Once in that state of possibility, I can usually open my mouth and get a positive response to whatever I say. If you'd like to see a model to start from, try this:

When I have (specific need) met,

I feel so (feeling when need is met).

What do you think/how would you feel about (request)?

An example: When I have love and nurturing, I feel so calm and warm. How would you feel about me putting my head in your lap for a couple of minutes?

The trick to this type of expression is the ENERGETIC CONGRUENCY. If I am blaming the other person and/ or feeling angry when I say the above words, the person will "hear/see/feel" the blame and anger rather than the warmth and calm of the invitation. So how to get into this energetic state? A great topic for next month.

I'd love to hear your feedback as you read about and try this way of expressing your needs! Email me at holly@hollyeckert.com.