November, 2006

A Halloween Story

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my husband and I calling the police to report domestic violence when we heard "dial 9-1-1" shouted at 2 a.m. from the mother-in-law apartment in our house. The resident of the apartment did end up in jail, and, very unhappy with me, sent me a letter saying that friends of his fellow inmates would have our property on their short list of targets for drive-by shootings, kidnapping and rape.

Thinking back to that time, I recall being terrified, but even worse than that was being overwhelmed with confusion. Do I try to connect with this guy? Do I give him my honesty? My empathy? Do I get an NVC mediation team to help us? Do I report the letter to the police and instigate further legal action against him? Do I move away and avoid the whole thing? And how does NVC guide my decision?

I was living with the philosophy that "connection is my best protection," and I still stand by that premise. If we are truly connected, then I can dismiss from my mind all fears of others harboring secret resentments against me— resentments that might, in this instance, have fatal consequences. I longed for a connection and healing so that I might have safety and peace of mind. And I was confident that connection could be realized given the proper support.

At the same time, I was completely overwhelmed by the thought of how many resources would have needed to be mobilized in order for that connection to happen. Even just contemplating the connection, I was needing hours of empathy from friends and colleagues, which also increased my childcare needs and took time away from my income- producing activities. Had I been face to face with this man, I could only imagine that all these needs of mine would increase. Then with the empathy he needed, as well as practical support like drug treatment, counseling, job training and opportunities, and financial support, I couldn't find a way inside myself to connect with him and also live my life in balance. I was saying "yes" to my autonomy around where I wanted to spend my energy while saying "no" to connection.

But was I really saying "no" to connection? I certainly became unwilling to connect with this person, eventually obtaining an anti-harassment order which made it illegal for him to have any contact with me, including being within 500 feet of me, phoning or emailing me.

On the other hand, perhaps by saying "no" to this connection, I was opening myself to opportunities for connection by spending time on the relationships that are dear to my heart, to invest my energy into the relationships where I get great rewards. That is what inspired me to let go of the strategy of connecting with the former housemate—to have the freedom to devote my efforts to the relationships that feed my soul.

But if "connection is the best protection" and I haven't connected with this guy, how do I find my protection and peace of mind?

That is where trust comes in. If I wasn't going to get protection and peace of mind from my actions with this person, I decided to trust in the power of my intentional choice. I trusted that moving from a place of self-reflection and integrity would meet those needs. Indeed, I have had protection (he has been released from jail and I haven't heard from him), and have only rarely thought about the whole situation in the last few months.

While I don't defend my decision by saying that it was the only thing I could have done, I do appreciate many of the gifts that my decision has brought me. At the same time, I still occasionally wonder what might have happened had I decided to connect, and I feel some openness to looking again at my decision once the no-contact order expires in another year. I will know that it is the right time to connect when I have hope that I can do so within the broader scheme of my life at the time.

I couldn't find a tidy need for the heading of this story, as it involved many needs for me, including connection, safety and protection, peace of mind, balance, autonomy, integrity, aliveness and trust. And while it was one of the most difficult times of my life, I am now thankful for the self- connection, learning, trust and contribution that have resulted from my attempts to make sense of it all.