September, 2007

The concept of taking a moment to connect with my own feelings and needs rather than blurting out blame or defensiveness was revolutionary to me when I first read Nonviolent Communication. Over the years, I have turned this practice into a three-step kinesthetic, visual, spatial, verbal and auditory process that gets my whole being to a place of peace. Ready? (At first, this method is not to be practiced in the triggering dialogue, rather, on your own time as a reflection and way to achieve personal clarity.)

STEP ONE: Stand (yes, literally stand up) in your place of judgment and blame. If you are in a small room, be sure you'll be able to move both to the right and forward. Speak out loud a couple of sentences of your judgment and blame. (While you are learning, the process is clearer when you blame the other person rather than yourself.) Example: "Doreen is so rude and inconsiderate!"

STEP TWO: Move three feet to the right and connect with the feelings and needs under your judgment. Example: "I feel really angry. I need some respect."

REPEAT STEPS ONE AND TWO UNTIL YOUR BLAME AND JUDGMENT IS DISSIPATED. Typically I feel less angry and more sad or disappointed.

STEP THREE: From the "step two" place (the place of connecting with your feelings and needs), walk forward three feet. Close your eyes or look down, focusing inward.

FIRST QUESTION OF STEP THREE, Deepening with the levels of needs: When my need for respect (or whatever you found to be your need in step two) is met, fully and completely, what deeper need is also met? Wait for an answer to come from your body. As I take myself through the example, my answer is "peace."

Then I ask the question again, using the deeper need. "When my need for peace is met, fully and completely, what deeper need is also met?" Continuing with the example, my answer is "freedom." Continue asking this question until you get no deeper need. Let's say in the example that my deepest need was connection--the type of connection that means "unity with all beings."

SECOND QUESTION OF STEP THREE (you are still standing in the same place) Embodying the beauty of the need: When I have (the deepest need), how do I feel? Example: "When I have this unity with everyone and everything, I feel present, peaceful and open." By this time, my energetics have usually shifted to the extent that I am indeed feeling present, peaceful and open, and my need for unity with all beings is met. (If I'm not in this state spontaneously, there are a few other ways to get there.) ENJOY THIS STATE A FEW MOMENTS!! Often I feel so blissful here, and full of hope for the world.

As you practice this process, you will begin to feel, in your body, the difference between Step One (judgment), Step Two (connection with unmet needs) and Step Three (beauty of the needs and sense of possibility). This comes in handy not only when practicing this self-connection process, but also as a way to check in with yourself any moment of your day whether you are in the place of judgment, unmet needs, or the beauty of your needs.

I'd like to thank those who stimulated my creativity in the development of this process: NVC Trainers Susan Skye and Robert Gonzales, the book Core Transformation, and the Law of Attraction.