February, 2007

Reducing Road Rage with NVC

Now here's a practical application of the NVC skills: increasing harmony on our jammed up freeways.

My husband, Richard, was in very slow traffic last summer, and stressed out about getting our 9-year-old to circus troupe practice on time. Just as he was proceeding to change lanes, a car from behind accelerated and zipped into the spot that he was going to take. Some instinct kicked in and Richard gave a hand gesture (not a friendly wave) to the driver of the other car.

Richard admits to having some judgments about the folks in the other car, due to their age (teens), their gender (male) and the type of car (brand-new SUV)--it probably sounded something like "a bunch of young jocks cruising in Mom and Dad's car." In the moments after the finger display, though, he connected with his desire to see commonality with all humans, these guys included.

Just he was connecting with his own anger about his needs for fairness and safety, he found himself right next to the other car. "Hey!" he heard the driver yell out their open window, while the driver's friends looked on, "My friend here says that you flipped me the bird. Did you flip me the bird?!" Richard's response was, "Do you need respect?" The young tough guy, caught off guard by this shot of empathy, visibly softened his demeanor and said "Yes." Richard then said, "I want to respect you. I just get a little hot-under-the-collar in this traffic." Thus ended the exchange as the cars moved away from each other. My husband, glancing back to our nine-year-old son, breathed a sigh of relief.

It seems he connected with their need for respect not being met by his gesture to them. Having in mind the possibility of people getting shot in these types of situations, I am eternally grateful that Richard had the where-with-all to connect with his "adversary."

The first step in transformation is awareness--an awareness of something you are dissatisfied with. Next comes cultivating a vision--what would you like instead? The third step is learning the new skill, and last comes making your new intention visible to the other person. Luckily, Richard was able to make his intention visible to those in the other car.

I am so grateful to the NVC practice for all of these qualities-- awareness, vision, skills and connection--and for all the little moments that the integration of these brings more peace.