May, 2007

Revitalizing Requests Part II

When I'm trying to turn an interpersonal pattern around, I often go for the big dream.

I ask my husband if we can have a date night once a week.

I ask my son if he will start eating a salad and another vegetable at both lunch and dinner every day.

As you might guess, either my request is either met with resistance, or the commitment soon fizzles out.

So lately I've been keeping the big vision in mind, and using kaizen to ask the other person to participate. The basic kaizen principle is that big changes happen one small step at a time.

In the midst of homeschooling two children, building two free-lance careers, financial responsibilities and the ever-present extended family emergencies, my husband Richard and I lost touch with our commitment to our marriage.

We started enthusiastically with the once-a-week date plan, enjoying two lovely outings. On the night of the third date, however, both children had fevers. Our kids didn't want us to go, and our babysitter didn't want to get infected. After one missed date, we never planned one again.

After a few weeks, I began questioning how we could take the tiniest possible step toward revitalizing our marriage. I asked Richard if he would give me his undivided attention with silent eye contact for one minute each day.

It worked like a gem. One minute was the amount that we could commit to without tripping the wires of resistance in our old pattern. I'm happy to say that I've also added a request to myself--making physical contact somehow (such as putting my hand on his leg) during meals. The momentum is building!

These small successes build trust--trust that the big dream is attainable. The small steps, each marked by celebration, also add joy along path, instead of waiting for the big party at the end of the road.

I also recall being nervous about making an ongoing commitment before trying something once. Now when I'm at the receiving end of these requests, I ask the requester if we can do it one time, or do it for a shorter period of time, then check-in to see if we are indeed meeting the needs that we are attempting to meet. For example, I might agree to watch the first 15 minutes of a movie, then decide if I am comfortable, or not, with the amount of violence in it.

To turn that around, I also like to keep in mind to ask for "a try" rather than a commitment at the beginning. So I ask my son to try one bite instead of committing to trying one bite every day. That meets my need to really be present, and taking action with intention to meet needs rather than to just fulfill the commitment.

Presence and intention. Kaizen brings both. My intention, my big dream, is held tenderly, while what can be accomplished with ease in the present moment is honored.