October, 2007

Let's talk for a moment about "flow." When two people are in "the flow," communication comes easily, there is good will and trust, and you can easily decide on a course of action together. Lose that flow, and you can't think of anything to say (or say things you'll regret later), begin to doubt the other person's care for you, and endlessly, with much frustration, propose action without unifying into a solid plan.

And while Nonviolent Communication dialogues can certainly get two people back into their flow, sometimes you may feel that you can't summon the energy to either begin or sustain the conversation.

What else can you do?

Imagine having a magic wand that you can wave at any time to get you back into the flow-away from the frustration and back into the place where you trust and can communicate productively. If I could market such a thing, I'd probably make a lot of money. But the best news for you is that you already have them: SURE-FIRE CONNECTORS.

Sometimes I have an agenda for my children. When they balk at my idea, I pull out a sure-fire connector.

A sure-fire connector is any activity that two (or more) people consistently enjoy together. My favorite sure-fire connectors are absolutely free, and they range in time from 30 seconds to 30 minutes. My list with my 10-year-old son includes partner acrobatics, reading to him, playing a game of cards, performing Disney tunes on the piano while he makes up juggling routines, and (believe it or not) giving him hard words to spell. With my daughter, we might take a bath together, or look at her baby pictures. With my husband, singing a simple tune in two-part harmony can work like a charm.

Say that I want my son to do his schoolwork and he wants to go out and play basketball. It takes a leap of faith to suggest, at that moment, that we play a game of cards. It may seem counter-intuitive that playing a game of cards might actually meet my needs, but if I can take that leap, both of our needs for connection and fun are met, we both relax, and get into a state of trust where we can make a plan for the schoolwork.

I'm not saying that playing a game of cards will always result in him completing the schoolwork immediately (although that will often happen). What I am saying is that through re-establishing our connection, I once again get into a position of influence in the relationship, as well as becoming willing to be influenced by the other person. Either he'll enter my invitation into the schoolwork, or I will see the value in him getting some fresh air, exercise and connection with the neighborhood boys. Either way we move forward without resentment and anger. We enter "the flow" and all things are possible.