February, 2009

President Barack Obama says, "Empathy strikes me as the most important quality that we need in America and around the world."

According to Nonviolent Communication founder Marshall Rosenberg, empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. NVC offers us concrete tools to increase our skills in empathic listening which result in effective resolution of conflicts, bridging of ideological divides, and wise use of our resources on personal, national and global levels.

Rather than getting caught up in the story the speaker is telling, with NVC-type empathic listening, we listen for two underlying, key components: feelings and needs. Listening for feelings and needs will keep us focused, centered and open, rather than being drawn into judgment of either the speaker or the people the speaker may be judging.

If, for example, a friend may say, "People are so unreliable these days! I have more cancellations and no-shows than I do appointments!" If we jump on the bandwagon of judgment, saying "People have no respect for others," we have sown another seed of division and conflict. Likewise, if we start judging our friend for being careless, advising, "Well, you need to get a deposit from these folks," our friend will likely not get the compassionate understanding he needs to come to a place of self-empowerment and integrity.

Sometimes our silent, accepting empathic presence is all that is needed to ease the other person's loneliness. Other times, they may appreciate a reflection of the underlying feelings and needs, such as, "Are you frustrated because you would like more stability in your schedule?" (Feeling frustrated, need for stability.)

A third option, that I learned from my 5-year-old daughter, consists of open ears, a caring pair of eyes, and a single word. Recently I was expressing a frustration. My daughter looked at me with love in her eyes, sighed and quietly said, "Bummer."

Bummer is seemingly a very small word, but the impact it had on me was enormous. I had been understood! Sharing my problem with another and having it received, heard and acknowledged allowed me to let it go to the extent that I no longer even remember what I thought the problem was in the first place.

Everyone can find their own word like "bummer." My personal favorite is "ouch." When someone describes a hurt, I listen, nod my head, and, if sensing that the other person would like an acknowledgment of their pain, might simply say, "ouch."

I would then wait, watch and listen for what the other person might want to share next.

Empathy can change the world. In fact, it does so every day. The next time you are tempted to advise, defend or correct a person who is in pain, I invite you to sow a seed of peace and open your empathic ears instead.