January, 2010

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." —St. Francis of Assisi

"Courtesy towards opponents and eagerness to understand their viewpoint is the ABC of nonviolence." —Mahatma Gandhi

"Empathy before education." —Marshall Rosenberg

Much teaching and practice of Nonviolent Communication centers on empathy. Whether you're having a minor disagreement or you're firmly entrenched in an enemy image of another person, listening for their point of view, their underlying feelings and needs can bring you to a new world of connection, harmony and peace.

Does this mean that you must always hold in your opinion, your advice or your resource?

Absolutely not! If it did, Nonviolent Communication would more accurately be called Nonviolent Monologue, which doesn't really seem nonviolent at all. If we strive for peace, we must bring both our empathy and our honesty to create connection and balance.

How do we know when it is time to share our honesty?

I would advise you to listen with empathy, listening with curiosity, and focusing on the questions, "How does this person feel? What do they need? What are their wishes and desires? What do they find beautiful?" until you sense a shift in them.

There are many signs that this shift is occurring. The volume level or the pitch of their voice may lower. They may sigh, smile or make a gentle eye contact. They may simply stop talking. You can often notice a relaxation in their body language, or they may lean in toward you. They may even ask you for your opinion.

These are good signs that they are in a state of openness to hear what you want to share. That is when the conversation can peacefully turn from "understanding" to "being understood."

Just to be sure, you can always ask, "Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?" and, if not, you might then offer your point of view, feelings, reassurance, solutions, resources, etc.

Relationships thrive when empathy and honesty is in balance. Looking for signs of "post-empathic openness" will further enhance your connection as you synchronize your honesty with the other person's receptivity.