November, 2007

Some months ago, someone told me that a mutual acquaintance had moved across the country, gotten married and was pregnant. At that news, I found myself quite annoyed with the pregnant mother. Judgmental thoughts began to run through my mind:

"What is she having another child for? She already has two children. That is environmentally irresponsible."

"She shouldn't be in a new relationship, let alone married and pregnant! It's only been a couple of years since her first husband died."

"That woman is a career woman. She's not going to be able to be a good mother with a career like she has."

Shocked by the strong reaction I was having, I began to connect with my feelings. Anger gave way to sadness, which then settled on a longing for what this woman had. I had always wanted three children, but my husband was dead-set against it, and after two high-risk pregnancies, the second of which resulted in an 8-week premature birth, I agreed to embrace our family with two children.

Once I self-reflected, I saw that my judgments were coming from a place of jealousy. Unconscious of the jealousy, my mind raced ahead to finding every fault I could in the other person. Once connected with my jealousy, my true longing was revealed, and I could once again both affirm my choice and celebrate the other's news.

This scene has repeated itself numerous times over the last few months. And while I don't always find jealousy at the root of my judgment, I find it often enough to ask myself, "Does this person I'm judging have something that I want?" And when I find that they do, I can transform the judgment into celebration, take inspiration from the other person's success, and often find a creative strategy for manifesting my longing as well.