October, 2008

Did you ever notice how different flowers thrive best with different amounts of light? If you give all the plants maximum sun, some will whither. If you give all the plants minimum sun, some will whither.

Did you ever think how this applies to interpersonal communication?

Some people prefer less sunny communication (generally confrontation friendly), while others prefer maximum sun (confrontation avoidant).

If your message is mismatched to your listener's confrontation tolerance, you will likely miss the connection.

Last weekend I was at a gig (did you know that I was back in the music world?), working on a composer's piece with him. He said that my performance was inauthentic, not heartfelt, and covering up some deep-rooted pain. I was shocked and could not think at first how to respond.

If I were to respond in my usual preference (maximum sun) I would have said something like this, "I love the harmony and understanding that can develop when people listen deeply to each other and come to an appreciation of each others' points of view. I think that we'll also get the best artistic result from an empathic connection. How about we spend 15 minutes each listening to each other and connecting with each others' feelings and needs?"

I feared that hearing this, he would have no idea what I was talking about. ;-)

If I were to respond in the midground between confrontation-friendly and confrontation-avoidant, I could have said, "When I hear your words, I feel hurt because I need some consideration and acceptance. Would you be willing to tell me anything you did enjoy about my effort?"

Already feeling vulnerable, I was not about to tell him that I was also hurt. Nor did I expect that he would want to change the conversation to appreciation.

So I decided to match his style--the one who wants to hear my thoughts directly and abhors sugar coating--by responding in judgment and analysis. I said "I don't think that you're really appreciating the place I'm in with my life right now. You've crossed the line of what's appropriate and I don't want to talk about my personal life any more."

My response indeed put a lid on the conversation, he apologized, and we returned to working on our project . We were able to build some good will for each other over the next couple of hours. I left the studio feeling pleased with the work we did together and content with advocating for my personal sense of respect.

As I've heard my friend Theresa say, "When you go into the tiger's cage, you bring a whip."