December, 2007

A recent article in Conscious Choice magazine turned me off to turkey for Thanksgiving dinner and got me thinking the vegetarian route. In planning the meal for 15 of our family and friends, my husband and I got the chance to exercise our NVC muscles and found a solution we could all get behind.

Holly: I think we should have a vegetarian Thanksgiving.

Richard: Vegetarian? Why not salmon?

H: Salmon!? Do you know what type of hassle that would be? All the pans and oven space and last minute shopping, not to mention the cost! Do you realize how much salmon costs?

R: There are plenty of ways to get around all that. It's not that expensive.

H (mad that my plans have been interrupted, needing some appreciation for the thought that I'd put into the dinner, wondering if some empathic listening might ease the situation): Well, can you tell me your reasons behind wanting the salmon?

R: Well, all that starchy stuff with potatoes and dressing is not good for my health. I need to have a balanced meal with a good source of protein, and other people in the family have the same concern. Also, having the salmon helps connect me a greater sense of meaning of the holiday itself. I am more connected with our local resources with salmon and have gratitude for all the local plant and animal life.

H (reflecting back his needs): So you want to be supported in your health, want to contribute to the health of others in the family, and want to enter into a state of appreciation for our home in the Pacific NW and the meaning behind the holiday-is that right? (R. nods and is quiet.)

So would you be willing to listen to my concerns about the salmon? (R. nods again.)

I really want to have a sense of relaxation going into this dinner preparation. I don't like to buy salmon far in advance so I'm worried about shopping on the day before the holiday when the stores are crowded. Cooking salmon also seems to be a last-minute, time-sensitive operation, and I want to be able to connect with our guests. With all the side dishes being brought by others, our oven will be already packed. Salmon is not meeting my need for ease in many ways. And one more thing--neither our guest from Australia nor my mother like fish, and I want to contribute to making the meal appetizing for them.

(pregnant pause)

R: How about roast beef?

H (shocked for a moment, then amazed): What a genius! We can buy it on Monday for a relatively low cost, I can pop it in the oven early in the morning and ignore it, it will take only a small amount of oven space, it is something that everyone likes (aside from the one vegetarian who assures us that she is not offended when meat is served), AND it is regionally grown and high-protein. PERFECT!!

Indeed, everyone said that it was the most harmonious and relaxing family celebration in ten years. Thank you, NVC, for giving me a way to move from conflict to cooperation.