February, 2010

Your boss launches into a list of ten reasons you should have changed direction with your project six weeks ago.

Your spouse yells accusations of you being totally unreliable and untrustworthy.

Your CPA delivers the news that your tax returns have been done incorrectly for the last seven years, and you owe a huge sum in back taxes.

PANIC!

Many clients come in with situations like these, where they report that they responded in a way they were "later not proud of." Of course, I've had some of those moments, too.

What do you get when you mix together bad news, lack of clarity and pressure, then wrap it all up with a nice bow of shock?

The need to press the pause button.

No, I haven't seen it on any official Needs list, but what would happen if you had a way to press the pause button? To zip those reactive words before they tumble into the other person's ears where you'll later regret them?

When we press the pause button, we give ourselves a moment to acclimate to the situation. We give ourselves a chance to choose compassion. But how?

Read this phrase. Say it out loud twenty times. Imagine yourself in a stressful situation and say it out loud twenty times a day for twenty days. In order for you to access it in the heat of the moment, you will need many repetitions.

"Hang on-give me a second to take that in."

(If you don't like that particular phrase, construct something with a similar message.)

It's a no-risk phrase. (In the case of imminent physical danger, secure safety first.) You're not committing to anything-agreeing, listening or otherwise. You are only giving yourself a chance to access a bit of your compassionate wisdom and maybe even a skill or two.

The next thing you say might be, "Wow! Tell me more about that" or "I can't think of anything constructive to say right now. Can we talk tomorrow morning after I've had a chance to think it over?" or even "I feel so exhausted listening to that topic. I'm going to need to share what's going on for me before I can authentically have space inside myself to take you in again. Would you listen to my perspective?"

Pressing the pause button gives us a chance to find empathy for the other person, request a longer time for self-connection, or to express our honesty and make a request. You will find yourself responding compassionately instead of a reacting harmfully. And, no matter what the other person says or does, you will feel proud, content and relieved with your own integrity intact.