January, 2008

Despite our best intentions to speak with honesty and empathy, we all experience some conversations which end in anger, disconnection, withdrawal and force.

Why not use these instances to learn from our adventures and create the conversations that we long for?

Imagine this: You are with an elderly family member who asks you if he can smoke cigars while you are in the room. You don't want to offend him, so you say it is fine even though, in all honesty, you find it disgusting.

Later, you practice self-empathy, connecting with your feelings and needs. Perhaps you were feeling scared, because you wanted to show respect and also be accepted by the other person. You were considering his needs, and wanted to show understanding for him.

At the same time, you were annoyed at yourself, because you want to trust yourself to act in your own self-interest. You had needs to be comfortable, for clean air, health, and presence. Instead of being distracted by your reaction to the smoke, you wanted to be available and present for connection.

Looking at the relative's point of view, he was probably feeling curious about how he could go about his normal routines, and show consideration for you as well.

You could considering calling up the relative and saying:

"Remember when you asked me if I was OK with cigar smoking when I'm in the room? I have had some thoughts about the conversation since then-could we "replay" that conversation? Could you just ask me again how I feel about the cigar smoking?"

If he agrees, you could continue,

"Wow-thanks for asking. I appreciate you wanting our environment being comfortable for both of us. I might say that it is fine with me because I want to show you my respect and consideration. At the same time, the smoke does distract me from our being together, and I feel more relaxed and present in a smoke-free room. How would it be for you to step out onto the deck when you're ready for a cigar?"

I don't recall one instance when I have asked for a "replay" when I haven't gotten a positive response and a mutually satisfactory solution. Re-entering any conversation with a firmer grounding both sets of needs invites deeper connection and builds trust.