April, 2008

One thing that has bugged me about NVC is how we are taught to express our feelings and needs then make a request for the other person to do something about it. Call me overly independent, but if it is MY need, then why don't I do something about it myself?

Let's say that I have an ongoing issue about order in the household (not that any entrepreneur and mother of two would ever have this issue). I can express my needs and requests for support until we all are annoyed and tired of the same old conversation.

I have a new idea for these conversations: The self-empowerment step.

Instead of expressing my needs and a request for someone else to do something about it, I can express my need for order, insert what I am willing to do about it, then also make a request (be clear--not a demand) on how someone else could help me meet my need as well. Here's an example:

"I feel so much more relaxed and playful being at home when the living room is orderly. To help out my own need for order, I am going to put my coat and bags in my bedroom immediately when I get home. Would that be an easy thing for you to do with your belongings as well?"

Now the trick here is to be clear on my intention of being pro-active in meeting my own needs.

I'm not taking action because I am trying to lure the other person into joining me. I'm not taking action because I'm trying to teach the other person a lesson or "one-up" them. I am acting in a way that will meet my needs simply because I enjoy being self-empowered, and I enjoy having my needs met.

So here's the new formula for you to try out:

1. The need you'd like to meet

2. How you feel when that need is met

3. What you're going to do to meet that need yourself

4. What the other person might do, to help you meet that need, if they want to.

I hope that you find your requests infused with new accountability and self-empowerment!