November, 2009

"Safety" and "Security" are two needs that come up frequently in practicing Nonviolent Communication. And while the two words often seem to be used interchangeably, I discern an important difference between the two.

I use "safety" to mean actually being safe in the moment.

By contrast, I use "security" to mean the idea or thought that I am safe. If I am actually safe in the moment, but I'm fearing that I soon will not be safe, I say that my need for security is the need that is unmet.

The difference again became clear and important to me just yesterday. Within blocks of my office in Seattle's Greenwood neighborhood, there have been 10 recent arsons, including five within the last 10 days. One of these five fires destroyed four businesses and extensively damaged our community theater.

As I began to talk about the incidents, someone suggested that my need for safety wasn't met. I hopped on that train and began to really feel scared, almost panicked.

However, as I sat with that, I became uncomfortable saying that my need for safety wasn't met. I looked around me and saw that I was indeed safe and surrounded by loving, supportive people.

I inquired into my thoughts and found the thought, or idea, that danger may be close. Aha! My need for safety was indeed met. It was my need for security that was not met.

"So what?" you may say. "Isn't this just a matter of semantics?"

My feelings revealed the significance of this difference. When I connected with my need for safety being unmet, I was terrified. I became frozen and had no access to my higher thinking. However, when I connected with my need for safety being MET, I immediately relaxed. I had space. I had some distance from my fear, and I could put the situation in perspective. I could access my creativity and found myself making an action plan to finding the security I also desired.

I asked someone to escort me to my car. I took my laptop home in case the building burned down. I started making a list of the most precious things in the office that I might consider relocating until the arsonist is caught. I read our neighborhood blog for tips on building safety. In taking these actions, I knew that I was making myself safer, and even my need for security was getting met.

The next time you are thinking that your need for safety is not met, see how accurate that is. Are you safe in the moment? Or are your thoughts about your future safety clouding your action to actually keep yourself safe?