December, 2008

One of the things I enjoy about Nonviolent Communication is how the key concepts can be broken down into extremely simple ideas. While I'm sure that there are many long-winded, fancy and technical explanations about the root of conflict, NVC philosophy can tell you in just seven words:

All conflict happens on the strategy level.

Any two people (or any two groups) are in conflict because they are discussing their wants.

"I want to get a new car," the wife says. "I think we should fix the one we already have," the husband replies.

"We want to add this clause to our group's proposal," one side says. "We want to submit the proposal without the clause," the other argues.

Conversations about "wants" easily turn into arguments. But what can easily evolve arguments into true dialogues where win-win solutions arise is TAKING THE CONVERSATION DEEPER.

Understanding the motivations behind wants nearly always opens up creativity on both sides. And NVC gives us a fabulous tool to understand the motivations: Universal Needs.

Understanding the Universal Needs driving any "want" gives us a positive appreciation for the other person's point of view.

It would be of benefit for the aforementioned husband to know that the wife wants a new car for safety (doesn't want to get stranded with the kids in the car), for ease (doesn't want to worry about scheduling car fixing appointments) and for creativity (wants to rely on transportation to get to work where she expresses her ideas).

And it would be great for the wife to know that the husband wants to continue to use the current car for safety (wants to save up more money and buy a better new car in the future rather than a cheap one now), for learning (loves the challenge of fixing the old one) and for ease (doesn't want to go through the car search at this point).

Being heard and understood will decreases desperation and stubbornness and open each person to hearing the other. At this point, there is no longer an argument, but rather, an opportunity to create a solution that works for everyone.

Perhaps the couple will keep the old car, but the wife will use the husband's car whenever her car is awaiting repair. Perhaps they will keep the old car, but rent a vehicle for her to use by the day whenever she is taking the kids out of town.

Perhaps they will buy a new car, but keep the old one so the husband will still have an opportunity to learn about car repair. Perhaps they will buy a new car, selling some items in storage so they can get one of better quality.

So whenever you are stuck in an argument, please invite yourself to drop to a deeper level with the question: What is motivating both of our positions?