August, 2008

Nonviolent Communication encourages us to express our needs and make requests of others to get those needs met.

What's key in how my request is received is what energy the request comes from. Does the request come from spaciousness or a desperate grasping?

Requests that come from a desperate grasping-when I'm thinking that only one particular person can meet my needs and it has to be right this second-tend to be heard as demands and often stimulate rebelliousness in the other person. The more desperately we try to get someone to meet our needs, the less they often want to.

However, when we come from a place of spaciousness, our requests will be heard as invitations to co-create. If our idea resonates with the other person, we will enter a collaboration. If not, we can gracefully negotiate or simply move to another strategy to meet our needs.

Here is an exercise to help you enter that state of spaciousness, illustrated with a personal story. Last weekend my children were mercilessly rebelling against my requests for support in cleaning the house for my daughter's birthday party. By entering this state of spaciousness, I relaxed, got creative and found that an abundance of support was available to me.

You can try this exercise by writing all the steps, sitting quietly and jotting a few notes or even in your head while on a walk. Allow plenty of spaciousness to sink into each step before moving to the next!

1. What do you want the other person to do? "I think that my children should help me prepare the house for the party."

2. Connect with how you feel if they deny your request. "I feel angry, worried, overwhelmed, sad and lonely."

3. Settle into your needs, divorced from any specific person fulfilling them at any specific moment. "I need support, ease, harmony, celebration and fun." (See link at the end of the article for a list of needs.)

4. Once you have identified your needs, repeat to yourself, one need at a time, how much you love and appreciate that need. Continue for a few minutes. "I love support!! Ease is so wonderful. I so appreciate harmony in my life. I'm eager for celebration and I adore fun!!"

5. Expand those feelings of appreciation and touch in again with your feelings. "Now I feel calmer, relieved, excited about the party, spacious and creative, with many new ideas for meeting my needs."

6. From this place of spaciousness, brainstorm additional ways to meet your needs. I ended up asking for and receiving lots of help. I asked my kids' dad to clean the bathroom and asked my mom to come early to help my daughter with her hair. We asked a friend to come to the party to paint the kids' faces and help wrangle the children. In that moment, I prioritized my need for fun and celebration by putting the chores on hold and practicing violin for a while. My kids joined the effort once the pressure was off.

The party was a grand success, full of celebration and ease, and as soon as I let go of my pushiness, the preparations were a celebration themselves--a celebration of teamwork and community.