September, 2008

Have you ever had a conversation that went like this?

Person one: "I feel angry, resentful and lonely that I'm the only one seeing the problems here. I need some shared reality about what there is to do, some cooperation and mutuality!"

Person two: "I feel so tense when you bring up everything that isn't working in our situation. I need some peace, relaxation and celebration!"

When two people are polarized, one in the worrying position and the other in the "it will be fine" position, it can be very difficult to find common ground and move forward together.

Even if both people are clear on their needs, it can be difficult to come up with requests to make of each other.

What I've found to be helpful in these situations is to "trade tendencies" for a few minutes.

The worrier would acknowledge 3-5 success stories or areas of progress in the situation.

The "it will be fine" person would acknowledge 3-5 challenges in the situation.

Doing this trade helps each person to feel less alone and more supported, which in turn allows both to come out of the corner they are holding in the ring, toward a solution in the middle.